Top 5 Scientifically Unproven Ways to Survive This Heat Wave

There's a heat dome parked over half the country right now like it pays rent here, and the weatherman keeps saying "feels like 108" in the tone of someone who's enjoying this. We don't have a meteorology degree, but we do have a fan, a six-pack of something light, and zero plans before 9pm. Here's the survival guide nobody asked for.

#1. Drink More Light Beers

Hydration is important, and a light beer is basically water with a slightly better personality. Is this medically endorsed? No. Is it 4.2% ABV and mostly carbonation? Also yes. Science is whatever you decide it is at 95 degrees.

#2. Only Go Outside After Dark

The sun is undefeated right now and frankly showing off. The move is to live like a raccoon for the next week — nocturnal, mildly suspicious, only spotted near the trash cans after 10pm looking for food.

#3. Nap Aggressively

A nap is just a polite way to skip the worst part of the day without anyone calling it "hiding." Lie down, turn off your brain, wake up and the sun has hopefully reconsidered its life choices.

#4. Take Cold Showers Like You Owe Someone Money

Multiple cold showers a day isn't excessive, it's a lifestyle. You'll walk in looking like a man defeated by summer and walk out looking like you just remembered you're built different.

#5. Buy a Fan (Or Three)

Doesn't matter if it's a $20 box fan from the hardware store or something with a remote and four speeds you'll never use past "medium." Buy it, point it at your face, and become best friends with it for the next 96 hours.

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Bottom line: stay inside, stay horizontal, stay slightly buzzed on something light, and let the sun do its thing without you. See you at golden hour.